Read: 2026-06-09
Recommend: 8/10
The question is whether human nature is fundamentally good or fundamentally evil (人性本善， 还是人性本恶). The author leans toward the view that human nature is fundamentally good. From that perspective, all parts of ourselves deserve to be heard and treated with compassion.
I find it helpful to recognize that we do not have to identify with every thought we have. Instead, we can see thoughts as coming from different parts of ourselves. Understanding this creates some distance between who we are and what we are thinking, making it easier to listen to those parts without being defined by them.
Here are some text that I highlighted in the book:
Dutch historian Rutger Bregman summarizes these underlying assumptions about human nature here: “The doctrine that humans are innately selfish has a hallowed tradition in the Western canon. Great thinkers like Thucydides, Augustine, Machiavelli, Hobbes, Luther, Calvin, Burke, Bentham, Nietzsche, Freud, and America’s Founding Fathers each had their own version of the veneer theory of civilization.”
The big conclusion here is that parts are not what they have been commonly thought to be. They’re not cognitive adaptations or sinful impulses. Instead, parts are sacred, spiritual beings and they deserve to be treated as such.
Some discoveries I made about parts: •Even the most destructive parts have protective intentions. •Parts are often frozen in past traumas when their extreme roles were needed. •When they trust it’s safe to step out of their roles, they are highly valuable to the system.
Thus, finding blended parts and helping them trust that it’s safe to unblend is a crucial part of IFS. As you might have discovered in the mapping exercise, the simple act of noticing parts and representing them on a page often creates enough separation from them (enough unblending) that you can have a different perspective on them. Like the view of a city from thirty thousand feet, you can see more clearly the roles they take on and how they operate as a system. Once you’re out of the trees, you can see the forest.
You can notice those activities and then reassure the parts doing them that they don’t have to—that it’s safe to unblend, at least for the duration of the meditation. Afterward they can jump back to attention if they really want to. I have found, however, that through this practice, parts gradually increase their trust that it is safe and beneficial to let the Self embody. They also trust that the Self is remembering and checking on them—that it’s being a good inner parent. All of this Self-leadership helps them step out of their parentified roles and consider unburdening.
The Four Basic Goals of IFS 1.Liberate parts from the roles they’ve been forced into, so they can be who they’re designed to be. 2.Restore trust in the Self and Self-leadership. 3.Reharmonize the inner system. 4.Become more Self-led in your interactions with the world.
In Christianity, the definition of sin is anything that disconnects you from God and takes you off your path. Burdens disconnect Self from parts and give them extreme impulses. Burdened parts either don’t experience Self at all or don’t listen to Self. So when parts are unburdened, it’s not only that they immediately transform, but they also now have much more connection to and trust for Self, which is the second goal of IFS.
I don’t know if this happened for you, but if you stay with it and you keep asking questions that are nonthreatening, these inner enemies will reveal their secret stories of how they got forced into these roles and what they’re protecting and how, in many cases, they were really heroes. As Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote, “If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.”
There are four in particular—racism, patriarchy, individualism, and materialism—that have dominated our country’s mindset since the founders brought them from Europe. Each of these legacy burdens combines with the others to create the pervasive sense that we are all disconnected and on our own in a dangerous, dog-eat-dog world. In turn, they create what systems theorists call a reinforcing feedback loop. The sense of competitive separateness (and the belief that anyone with enough willpower can make it) leads people to exile and disdain those who do less well than them. In turn, this creates even more separateness and fear for survival in the system, which leads to more exiling, and so on.
no matter how much we check with protectors upfront and seem to get permission from them, it’s not uncommon for firefighters like Mona’s to backlash afterward. If something like this happens with you, instead of polarizing the part and initiating a reinforcing feedback loop, try getting curious instead. In my experience, the part just needs to be understood, reassured, and loved.
Self is not what people typically consider the ego, which in IFS terms is a cluster of managers who are trying to run your life and keep you safe. The Self also isn’t your observing ego or witness consciousness, because it doesn’t just passively watch. The Self isn’t content to just observe. It’s not compassionate to passively watch suffering beings parade by. When you really access Self, you naturally want to help your parts. Self is not observable—you can’t see your Self, because it’s your seat of consciousness. It’s the place from which you see your parts and the outside world. So if I asked you to hug a part of yourself and your experience was one of watching yourself performing that action, that’s not your Self.
Language like “A part of me got very triggered by what you just said and beneath that part of me was a part that felt hurt” conveys a much different message than “I really don’t like what you just said.” It also leads to predictably different results. Being Self-led and representing our parts is not just about spending time in our inner world. It’s also about how we live in the outer world and relate to other people and their parts.
If a client becomes overwhelmed—has a panic attack in my office, for example—it’s because we hadn’t made that agreement with the terrified exile in advance. When that occurs, I don’t ask the client to take deep breaths, look into my eyes, or feel their feet on the floor. I simply say something like, “I see that a really scared part is here now, and I’d like you to let me talk to it directly.” Then, as I talk to that part, I’ll let it know that it’s very welcome and I’m happy it’s been able to break out. I also let it know that it will be a little easier for us to help it if it wouldn’t mind separating its energy just a little bit, so that my client can be with it too. Most of the time, the panicked part believes me, and suddenly my client feels grounded, accesses their Self again, and experiences compassion for the panicked part. And they can be with the part rather than becoming it.
We all have parts we don’t want to admit to, even to ourselves. In general, these parts of us are young and misguided inner children. And just like misguided external children, they deserve to receive our guidance and love, rather than our scorn, shame, and abandonment.
Again, here’s one central tenet of IFS at work: going to war against inner beliefs or emotions of any kind will often backfire. Listening and healing them is the better way to go, all while relating to them with firm yet loving Self-led discipline until they unburden.
In retrospect, I can understand why our firefighters are so potent and addictive. The accolades took care of my worthlessness; the power, adrenaline, and rage made the weak little boy in me feel strong and alive. Long after my football career was over, I retained an intense desire to run into someone and knock them down.
We’re sold on any number of solutions that tell us to get more exercise, eat healthier, slow down, and meditate more. These can all be beneficial practices to help us re-embody more, but unless our parts are fully on board, they will ultimately sabotage our healthy solutions. Once we heal our exiles and become more Self-led, we don’t have to work so hard to do things that are good for us—we just naturally enjoy them. Our protectors stop driving our bus (they’re too young for a driver’s license anyway) and let us into the driver’s seat. Thereafter, they can help navigate or alert us about dangers in the road or the speed limit, but they’ll trust us to drive, while our former exiles play in the back seats.
I’ve also found that for various reasons, parts will deliberately target different vital organs or systems of your body when they can’t get through to you directly. When you won’t listen to a part, it has a limited number of options to get your attention or to punish you if it’s angry with you. It could give you nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks, or screw up your body in even worse ways.
when you refuse to listen, you can turn your parts into inner terrorists, and they will destroy your body if necessary. Unfortunately, our medical system—in much the same way as a repressive political system—too often is designed to kill the messenger rather than help us get the message.